'You will never be allowed near my family': 34-year-old parent goes no contact with relentless stepmother who won't stop getting involved

Author image for Ben Weiss
Ben Weiss • Writer and Editor
Jan 11, 2025 8:00 AM EST

Making the decision to go "no contact" with a family member as a fully grown adult is obviously not for the faint of heart. It takes guts to stand up for yourself to tell a so-called "authority figure" in your life that the way in which they are behaving is unfair and unacceptable. 

Most of the time, when family members get to this point of no return, they have already tried everything. Confrontations lead to failed progress. Failed progress leads to the same mistakes happening over and over again, which only leads to more counterproductive confrontations. The cycle can only continue for so long. 

This is not to support every single "no contact" scenario, as all families are different. However, if you have ended up in a situation like this relatively new mother did with her stepmom, planting your foot in the ground may be the only viable option.

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10452657920
    via Corina Rainer

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • This woman's invasive stepmother Mary refused to stop giving gifts to her stepdaughter's kids after they went “no contact” over four years ago. Despite the stepdaughter's clear communication to her father that she did not want Mary involved in her kid's life for a myriad of reasons, Mary keeps finding opportunities to insert herself into their lives.

  • 02

    AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?

    I (34F) have no contact with my stepmother "Mary." Long story not worth explaining (edit: I loosely explained in a comment). It's been 5 years since I cut her off from my and my family's lives. As such, she hasn't seen my son (8M) since he was 3 years old, and she's never met my daughter (4F).
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  • 03
    Throughout the years, she has attempted to contact me and my kids several times. My father used to help her sometimes. He'd tell me how awful she felt, how
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  • 04
    much she wanted to meet my daughter and that the kids. needed their grandma (I've never considered her a grandparent, as both my mother and mother-in- law are active in their lives).
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  • 05
    Several fights later, my father apologized and stopped assisting her, but Mary still tries to get in touch with me every now and then. I always state I have no interest in seeing her or allowing her to be a part of my children's lives.
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  • 06
    My son's birthday was in September. The day of (neither of my kids were home), a large box was delivered to our building. I opened it to find more than a dozen new toys for my children,
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  • 07
    along with a note that read "Grandma Mary loves you both." As I later found out, she had bought the toys on a recent trip to the US.
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  • 08
    I couldn't think of that as anything besides a manipulation tactic. My children are barely aware that she exists, why would she send them both a box full of toys on my son's birthday? I also
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    think she planned the delivery for a time she thought the kids would be home so that they'd see the toys immediately.
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    Either way, my husband and I decided not to keep any of the toys. We donated them all throughout October. The kids never saw any of them.
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  • 11
    Last week, my father called me. He said Mary had just told him about the toys and wanted to know whether the kids liked them. I told him the truth, and we had an argument.
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  • 12
    My father called me cruel and ungrateful for what I did. He said he understands Mary and I don't get along, but she still cared
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  • 13
    enough to spend hundreds of dollars on a "loving gesture" for my children, and the least I could have done was let them know about it.
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  • 14
    Cheezburger Image 10452658432
    via Annie Spratt

    Talk about a ruined birthday party!

  • 15
    I honestly couldn't imagine keeping those toys, but I'd be lying if I said the amount of money spent on them didn't make me feel guilty.
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  • Most members of the community weighed in and felt that the woman was not in the wrong for donating Mary's gifts. After all, she is allowed to parent her children how she wants, and it has been made clear that Mary lost the privileges of being part of that inner circle a long time ago.

  • 16
    FloMoJoe NTA. It is indeed a manipulation tactic.
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  • 17
    DankyMcJangles You feel guilty? So then you're saying her manipulation tactic worked. Stop right there. Don't feed into it. Don't let her win. Stay the course. NTA
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  • 18
    > Awkward_Light4491 That's exactly why it is manipulation. It is meant to make you feel guilty. And it is trying to establish a relationship with your children without your approval. Just ignore the drama and live a peaceful life.
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  • A few folks in the comments felt that the woman needed to come clean a bit about her past with Mary in order to give folks the full picture of the situation. She followed up with more of that complicated history in an update!

  • 19
    Hey guys. Thank you for your input. Many of you stated you wouldn't be able to make any judgment without knowing why I have no contact with Mary. I think that's completely fair.
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  • 20
    I explained it better in the comments (and I recommend reading them), but Mary was awful to me when I was young. I loathe talking about it (though therapy has been helping with that), but it stemmed from the
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  • 21
    fact that I wouldn't allow her to be a "second mother" to me. I went into low contact with her in my early 20s, and she'd still treat me like crop whenever I saw her.
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  • 22
    When my son was born, Mary begged me to give her a second chance. She apologized for "upsetting me" and promised she had changed. I warned her that if
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    she ever overstepped or even remotely hinted at going back to her old ways, she'd never see me or my family again. To be honest, I'm surprised she lasted three years.
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  • 24
    I didn't clarify that in my original post because not only is this something I have trouble talking about, but I also didn't think it was relevant. I was asking about the donations, not whether I was justified in cutting ties with Mary.
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  • 25
    But I do agree that it's best to have the complete picture before making judgment calls, so I apologize for withholding that.
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  • 26
    Another thing I didn't mention is that Mary never had children of her own, and my only sister is childfree. My kids are the only grandchildren in the family, which I think is why Mary wants to see them so badly.
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  • 27
    Anyway, I went through your comments and organized a list of things I wanted to say to my father. I thought about making one for Mary as well, but I doubt she'd actually listen to it.
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  • 28
    I spoke to my father on Saturday. He said he talked with his wife. Apparently, Mary bought the gifts because it "broke her heart" to be unable to watch my kids grow up, and she hoped the toys would "at least let them know how much she loved them."
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  • 29
    My father also said that Mary told him about the gifts (he's insistent he had no idea) because it had been a while and me and the kids hadn't thanked her yet. My husband and I have our children
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    say "thank you" through voice messages whenever they get a gift from someone who isn't nearby. We've done that for my father before, so I think that's what Mary was expecting.
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  • 31
    I explained that it didn't matter how thoughtful he thought Mary's gesture was. When I cut ties with her, I cut her off completely. That means no gifts, no phone calls and no contact with my children, directly or not. She can claim to love them all she wants, but she will never have any involvement in their lives.
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  • 32
    We had another argument, but I put my foot down. I told my father that if he ever attempts to assist her in any way or brings up "Grandma Mary" to my children, he will never see me again. I'll allow him to be a part of his grandkids' lives, but he needs to accept that his wife won't be.
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  • 33
    Ultimately, my father agreed, but I intend to watch him closely from now on. I don't want to cut contact with him, but this will be his final chance. If he up, he's done. ; this
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  • Here's what folks had to say about this new information!

  • 34
    While I'm not 100% confident this will last, I'm still happy with this outcome. I've been going through a fairly stressful time at work, and it feels great to have this weight off my shoulders now. More importantly, I feel like I'm well equipped to deal with whatever comes next. I don't intend to write any further updates. Once again, thank you.
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  • 35
    bubblegumwhirl NTA. It's clear that you've set healthy boundaries, and your dad needs to respect those. It's not about the gifts it's about ensuring Mary has no part in your family's life if you've cut ties with her.
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  • 36
    Samarkand457 Oh, she's one of those. Yeah, no wonder she has been sealed off in the Shadow Realm.
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  • Just when you thought this drama was over, Mary decided she wasn't done. Here's yet another update after Mary sent the kids unwanted Holiday gifts.

  • 37
    Cheezburger Image 10452658176
    via Kari Shea

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 38
    I really didn't think I'd update again, but I figured I'd let you know that Mary sent us another box.
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  • 39
    This time, my father warned me. Last week, he sent me a text that read "Mary is sending Christmas gifts for the kids. I promise I just found out." I was at work, and sure enough, the box was there when I got home. My husband and I managed to take it to our bedroom before our children saw it.
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  • 40
    The box was smaller than the previous one, and we counted 10 toys with Christmas wrapping inside. Six for my daughter, four for my son. There was also another note, which read pretty much the same as the last one, with an added "I'm sorry you didn't get my other gifts."
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  • 41
    I decided to text Mary this time. I unblocked her and wrote the following: "Anything you try to give me or my children will be donated immediately. Please stop attempting to contact us. You will never be allowed near my family."
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  • 42
    I then blocked her again. This was my first time unblocking (or even contacting) her in five years.
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  • 43
    The next day, I spoke to my father. He said Mary didn't tell him she was sending me the box until after doing so. He'd been out of town for a week at that point, and she hadn't said anything about buying my kids more presents before he left. She let it slip to him over the phone, and then begged him not to tell me.
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  • 44
    Apparently, Mary was distraught at my text. That's all I know about how she's reacting to this. My father is doing his Christmas shopping right now, and there are a number of reasons why I don't think he was involved in this. Still, I don't feel like I can trust him right now. I told him he will see me and my family less often than usual for the next few months.
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  • 45
    We'll see each other on Christmas Eve (party at my cousin's; Mary was banned years ago), and then in February for my aunt's birthday (weekend trip; Mary's not coming). Besides that, I intend to remain in low contact with him for a while. I don't intend to keep that up forever, but I want to be able to trust him again. My father said he understood.
    via SMGiftsThrowA
  • 46
    I know a lot of you wanted me to cut my father off. I'm not sure I can explain why, but I don't want to do that. Even if I did, I'm not ready to. It might happen in the future, and I'm well aware it should be happening now, but I do think we still have a shot at making this work.
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  • 47
    This entire week was cr p. The first time Mary sent us the gifts, I was just confused. This time, I was very upset. I cried when I read her note. I am feeling much better now, though. My husband and I donated the new toys over the weekend, and getting rid of them felt great. I am very glad we managed to protect our children from this.
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  • 48
    Also, let me add one final time: I came to AITA to ask whether I was wrong for donating the gifts, not for cutting ties with Mary. So if anyone else intends to tell me I should allow her in my kids' lives, don't bother. I will not budge on this. I don't think I have anything else to add. Thank you all, and Happy Holidays.
    via SMGiftsThrowA

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stepmother aita entitled parents AITAH stepmom parenting entitled people karma entitled entitled people
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